Love, Violence and Car Insurance
by KasumiCain
Summary: Valkyrie and Tanith need car insurance, and Churchill the Dog is happy to help. But when Lord Vile crashes the party, a terrifying secret is revealed. First time fanfic, enjoy! Rated M for violence and a strong Tanith/Valkyrie pairing.


What's up everybody, Kasumi here! This is my first fanfic, so don't judge. Or if you must judge, judge positively. I would like to say that this story is dedicated to Bexaday and NightcatMau for inspiring me to write. Also, I would like to point out that despite all my wishes and sabotage attempts, all rights to characters and settings in this story don't belong to me. For now. Also, I am not endorsing any products in this story. To fully understand this story, watch a "Churchill Insurance" video first.

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Ugh, Valkyrie hated this. How could Fletcher have even talked her into starring on TV? Sure, all she had to do was star in an advert for car insurance directed at sorcerers. But what if she just wasn't a good actress? She certainly didn't want to make a fool of herself. However, after hours of going over her lines, and summoning the most convincing smile she could, she was ready to pretend to buy car insurance.  
She was in a fairly small yet brightly lit room, sat on a wooden chair just opposite the clearly overjoyed Churchill the Dog. A man behind one of the cameras waved his hand, a silent cue for her to start speaking.

"Say Churchill, can I really count on you for a multicar discount if I insure two Bentley R-Type Continentials?" asked Valkyrie.

This amused the large dog to no end, causing it to nod its head and state the blindingly obvious - "Oh yes!"

"Will I really get free breakdown cover, even in Roarhaven?" Valkyrie inquisitively asked, to which Churchill replied, even louder this time, "Oh yes!"

The camera panned right, and the startlingly beautiful Tanith Low walked in, dressed in leather and sword in hand and a seductive smile on her face.

This wasn't just eye candy for the advert, but another important cue for Valkyrie, who proceeded with "Churchill, can you really provide my girlfriend with a competitively priced motorbike insurance that will not increase in cost until Darquesse is defeated?"

Churchill beamed at the chance to add to this conversation, and once more his response was "Oh yes!"

Valkyrie saw at Tanith Low move to stand behind Churchill, effectively leaving him between the couple, this was her cue to start another question. Rather than do that, a memory forced its way to the front of her mind, something that Valkyrie will never forget. And just like that, she decided to change her next question.

Her smile became genuine and she looked Tanith in the eyes for a long moment before winking and proceeding with "And if my clumsy Miss Low falls off any more cars, will she be cared for and looked after by the one who loves her?"

While Tanith just smiled while returning a wink of her own, Churchill looked at Valkyrie like she had asked the first and the oldest question in the universe, to which the reply would undoubtedly be "Oh yes!"

Suddenly, a loud bang thundered through the room, and less than a second later the door through which Tanith had entered was flying over Valkyrie's head, tearing past her at a terrifying speed before burying itself in the wall behind her. But then again, Lord Vile had never been subtle when opening a door. Shadows danced around him, like they were stuck in a bubble around and were doing their best to escape, to no avail.  
He turned to Valkyrie, but then shifted his focus to Churchill, shadows preparing to strike. And then he spoke.

"Yeah right, last week he told me he was the Death Bringer." The voice didn't sound deep as both Valkyrie and Tanith expected, instead it was Skulduggery's velvety voice, the one anyone who met Skulduggery Pleasant would remember for the rest of their lives.

It was only now that Churchill turned his drooling face from Valkyrie to Vile, his smile was replaced by something resembling fear. "Oh no no no..." were his final words before his black collar leeched the liquid shadows from the corners of the room in an attempt to teleport to safety, while Vile silently observed from the corner of the room.

Suddenly, Valkyrie jumped up from the chair and summoned a spark into her hand and threw it at the now panicking dog, the spark growing into a large ball of fire before hitting Churchill, enveloping him completely. A split second later Tanith brought her sword down on the newest Death Bringer, going for an all-or-nothing slice at the now burning neck. The burning head tumbled away from the rest of Churchill the Dog's body.

After staring at it for several seconds, Valkyrie and Tanith lifted their eyes only to find themselves admiring each other.

"Nice..." Valkyrie looked her lover up and down, stumbling for words "...moves."  
Tanith shrugged, moved forwards and pulled Val into an embrace, proceeding to kiss her, bloody sword still in hand. After several intense seconds, Val knew continuing would be improper. As Valkyrie pulled away from the steamy kiss, she brushed off Tanith's blonde hair that had found its way onto her face, lovingly caressing her blushing cheek while doing so. Tanith understood her perfectly.

"My place at eight?"

"I thought you'd never ask"

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And there you go, my first fanfic. It didn't follow the original plan but it definitely feels like something Gordon Edgley would write.  
Please review, and let me know what I need to work on, as this story is a first of many.


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